can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
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Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.