me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out