sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
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This could be us… but you playing
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA: