Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
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maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…