“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?