ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
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Hero horse inspires millions
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
#catsoftwitter
live, laugh, laundry.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there