I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
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A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws