Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Am I having a stroke?
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Well, this explains it:
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.