my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
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The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn鈥檛 my baby
him: mom I鈥檓 35 years old
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom鈥檚
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I鈥檓 thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn鈥檛 have to set next to anyone.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it鈥檚 how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it鈥檚 acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
I Just found out there鈥檚 an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Looking at a guy in great shape: 馃敟馃敟
Looking at a girl in great shape: 馃槏馃槏
Looking at workout equipment: 馃槓
Whoa 馃槀
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y鈥檃ll 馃檲
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS