If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
“You’d better run, egg!”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.