What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
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Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.