I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
my mind
You just read my mind
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks