Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
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Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
goldfish mafia
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.