If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
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Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
This is true.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
😂😂😂
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.