body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Weirdly Wednesday.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.