Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
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*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
How high do the levels go?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Going into Monday like
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Breaking news:
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.