Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
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describing stardew valley
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.