Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down đź‘Ť
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.