Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
channeling her this year
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture