ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.