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Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.