if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
You Might Also Like
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
My dog learned how to text
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.