My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold