I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
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Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now