Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.