I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
asked my bf how work was today
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.