“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
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I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
*frowns in Scottish*
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.