I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
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My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one