Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment