How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
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I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.