So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
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If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao