If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
You Might Also Like
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Bro what is this
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
🍛
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care