OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
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“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.