Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
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Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
People buying plungers never look happy.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.