Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.