genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
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(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad