[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
You Might Also Like
worst…sale…ever
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
new career option?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Camping tip: No.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
mathematically impossible
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction