**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
You Might Also Like
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Netflix and awkward silence?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
#MeanwhileinCanada