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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
My wife has the worst taste in men.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.