Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
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A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
What about second breakfast?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions