Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Oops I deleted….
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts