This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay