First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
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Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
tis the season
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,