give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.