Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
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I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
getting corrected
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……