Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
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And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.