Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
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“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it