wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
excuse me