A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.