If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
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“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”